Get smoked
At one time, American physicians (or reasonable television facsimiles) appeared on television to extol the therapeutic virtues of cigarette smoking. Apparently nobody had died of lung cancer before the 1950s, if you believe in the magic of Lucky Strike. Personally, I think smoking is the best justification I’ve ever seen for enclosing the heads of others in bubbles. Sure, they should be allowed to breathe, but I have the right to breathe clean air and no carcinogenic stink. If the bubble sets smokers back, quit complaining and take out personal loans for cash, now.
One of the bubble heads will be President Obama. He is a smoker, yet he does not suffer from the delusion of something foolishly called “smoker’s rights.” Society should not cater to leisure users of known cancer-causing chemicals, so the president has signed a tough anti-smoking bill that promises “sweeping” changes.
By the way, I subscribe to buffet-style fascism. Just so you know. I’d be happy if chain smokers where literally chained together, face-to-face. Under penalty of being forced to eat butts buried in the sand and wood chips of playgrounds where children play, the violators will be forced to french each other cyanide smoke until one or the other asphyxiates. For lesser offenders, they can skip the game and just eat the butts off the ground.
How big of me. I know…
But back to our story. The Associated Press reports that President Obama’s own struggle to quit smoking has inspired America’s strongest anti-smoking legislation ever. The president claims it provides “critically needed protections for future generations.”
I will adopt him, get him off the junk and make him eat his veggies
“The decades-long effort to protect our children from the harmful effects of smoking has finally emerged victorious,” Obama said.
Obama’s nicotine addiction is well-known. Yet that certainly didn’t stop him from criticizing the way the tobacco industry trots out its Marlboro Men and Joe Camels to market its deadly wares. The president has leveled very pointed criticism toward campaigns that target teenagers.
“I know – I was one of them,” Obama said. “I know how difficult it is to break this habit.”
Will there be executions?
Now the Food and Drug Administration has “unprecedented authority to regulate tobacco” squarely in their hands. This is change I can believe in. The Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act allows them to lower the amount of nicotine in tobacco products, thus cutting down on their addictive potential. The FDA is also empowered to ban candy flavored-cigarettes and cut the “low tar” and “light” labels that are nothing but deceptive advertising. Speaking of labels, now the tobacco companies will have to cover their cartons with large graphic warnings. To me, the warnings can’t be too graphic. I’d say they should also have to coat cartons and packs with lung sludge. That lack of visual appeal will cut into sales.
Unfortunately, banning nicotine and tobacco outright is not a part of the new law’s sweeping power.
Nice attempt to stall, North Carolina
North Carolina nicotine fiends argued that “the FDA had proved through a series of food safety failures that it was not up to the job of regulation,” says an AP report. Furthermore, they claim that smokeless options are betting than trying to force smokers to quit. I say that the withdrawal is just the beginning of what smokers deserve to face due to the stench they inflict on the world. Since your state loves basketball so much, I think you should all run wind sprints for Roy Williams until the smoking addiction has been choked out of your black lungs. I’ll need personal loans and lots of cash now to get there and watch these mandatory practices, but I figure it’s worth the expense.
I’m a fascist and I’m filled with hate… for ignorance. Think my parents smoked much?
Related Video:
